


The Room Where It Happened

by oh_anakin



Series: We Just Assume 'verse [1]
Category: The Wizards of Once Series - Cressida Cowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, American Author Writing British Politics, Buzzfeed Is Gross, Crack Treated Seriously, Did They or Didn't They, Enemies With Benefits (?), F/M, Frequently edited, Implied/Referenced Sex, It's Twitter What Do You Expect, Memes, Original Character(s), Other, Social Media, Swearing, Tabloids, Unreliable Narrator, as a treat, contains images, gay twitter detectives, set in 2017, the worst month of xar's whole entire life, trashy hamilton references, you can kinkshame if the memes are about ur parent i feel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26190376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_anakin/pseuds/oh_anakin
Summary: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a tabloid, having thoroughly diverged from anything resembling journalistic integrity, must be in want of a scandal.The Scaly Mail may have gotten more than it bargained for.
Relationships: Sychorax/Encanzo | Tor
Series: We Just Assume 'verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908988
Comments: 14
Kudos: 13





	1. Then It Happened

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HeleneInTheClouds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeleneInTheClouds/gifts).



> I would like to apologize to the Academy, my mom, and the owners of these probably-real twitter handles I made up, as well as the poor children who went "that sign can't stop me because I can't read!" at all the very clearly Not For Kids tags on this fic. 
> 
> Also, like, the whole rest of this fandom.
> 
> The only one I'm not apologizing to is Helene because she very kindly did the art for this fic which I wrote thanks to a long conversation over message I had w/ her about the Fule parents in this series. Go check her out on tumblr @yv-sketches.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It begins, as so many bad things do, with a Tweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucked up the tweet resizing and now it looks weird. Sorry about that, buckaroos. Please don't look too closely at the dates also. Huge huge thanks to Helene for not only doing the art for this fic but also making the mockup Tweets; I promise next time I will make it easier on her by just learning to code the Tweets myself w/o fucking up the sizing. (If they look squished, it's not her fault!)

##  **_SCALY MAIL_ **

###  _MEETING MISHAP LEADS TO MUCH SPECULATION_

**Tracy Clinger - 29 Apr. 2017**

  
  


A meeting last night of powerfully magical and magic-adjacent political leaders ended quietly. 

Sir Thundrous Thye alone has called it a great success, touting his legislative plan to provide a passport service to Giants and other size-affected beings who are not easily accommodated in the usual EU security fashions.

Twelve influential politicians within the UK and Northwestern Europe attended the meeting. A prominent presence: Sychorax Woods, Leader of the Anti Magic Party Against the Sorcerous Parliament, often abbreviated as AMPATSP or AMP in casual discourse. A small but outspoken party which has its roots in an ancient feud between Warriors and Wizards, AMPATSP generally votes along Labour lines, except when legislation pertaining to Magic reaches the floor of the House of Commons. (Labour has not quite resolved its stance on Magical Issues since the party's founding in 1900.)

Ms Woods has led her Party since 2010, the status of which made her decision to attend the Summit almost as controversial as the Concerned Citizens Committee's choice to invite her back in March. 

This is remarkable because Ms Woods’ direct rival, Encanzo Wilde, was also present at the meeting in his capacity as Leader of the Sorcerous Parliamentary Party and Head Enchanter of the British Wizard Collective, an association directly responsible for the care and keeping of Magic in Britain.

A March 3 response from a Woods spokeswoman states in part, quote: "Leader Woods does not intend on compromising her long-held beliefs. Those beliefs include her vehement opposition to leaving the European Union, despite its flirtation with dangerous magical forces. She has always been willing to do what needs to be done so the Party can get back to doing the People’s business.” End quote. 

Reporters and unaffiliated passersby were meticulously screened from the building by the Troll security guards, per the Committee’s unanimous vote to ban press. 

Only one reporter -- the Scaly Mail's own Tracy Clinger -- was actually on beat when the meeting let out at 9:30 PM GMT; posting a photograph that would become Internet famous within moments of its arrival on Twitter.

No security, however, could keep one sharp-eyed Twitter user, @sketches_you_violet, from observing an unforeseen consequence of the meeting.

Another user, @willafred_west, was quick to point out another oddity: the smudge on the Head Enchanter's collar _appeared_ to be the same shade of pink lipstick that Leader Woods was wearing in a photograph from earlier that day.

West wrote in a follow-up Tweet, "Collar smudge + noticeably not acknowledging each other when they're leaving even tho they walked out at the same time = 🤔🤔🤔"

The thread went viral overnight, with over one million reactions pouring in from around the world.

Many were more interested in memeing about the alleged affair than discussing the potential political ramifications. 

Other Twitter users pointed out holes in this theory:

This, of course, became even more meme fuel.

Sources who were inside the meeting told the Scaly Mail, on condition of anonymity, that Leader Woods' and Enchanter Wilde's interactions were certainly not what one might expect from secret lovers.

"All they did was argue. They always argue," one source said, and went on to express dismay about how Twitter's reaction had already coloured the morning's political discourse before anything of import could come out. "Can't you people ask me about trade deals?"

Another source disclosed that their personal animosities nearly derailed the meeting, until the chair of the meeting decided to table the conversation for a short snack break. Thundrous Thye brought the meeting back into session after 30 minutes by raising the issue of passports for Giants; only half the attendance had returned by this time. 

It seems unlikely that their shared opposition to Brexit has brought them any closer on a personal level.

Whatever the truth happens to be, it is likely far less... _eventful_ than Twitter's active imagination would like to believe. Still, as one Broadway musical so famously put it, "no one else was in the room where it happened."

Only time will tell if this scandal stains _reputations_ as well as collars.

(Neither Ms. Woods' nor Mr. Wilde's offices responded to requests for comment on this story.)

* * *

**BLUE SEA STANDARD, 7 MAY 2017**

## Colleagues’ Reaction to ‘Smudge’: ‘Absurd, Barely Substantial, Totally Ridiculous’

(story on p9)

* * *

_[the following is transcribed from a video posted to Tracy Clinger’s official twitter account. Leader Wilde is walking past a press gaggle; Clinger seizes her chance.]_

_CLINGER:_ _Scaly Mail, sir! Are you in contact with Leader Woods since the Committee meeting?_

WILDE: The differences between Sychorax -- excuse me, the differences between Leader Woods and myself are well-documented by many outlets, as I'm sure you yourself can attest, Miss Clinger. 

_CLINGER: I can, sir. What did you discuss with Woods?_

WILDE: Our conversation-- brief as it was-- mainly consisted of her hard-line views on magical regulation and zoning laws.

_CLINGER: What happened to your collar?_

[Brief laughter among the press gaggle.]

WILDE: I am not always as neat as I should be, but I strive to remain professional. 

* * *

* * *

_The following is a transcript of a video originally posted on an unaffiliated Twitter account._

CLINGER: Leader Woods? Ma'am-- Leader Woods! 

WOODS: I'm not taking questions. 

CLINGER: Is it true you own Dior lipstick in the color on the Head Enchanter’s collar?

WOODS: No comment. 

CLINGER: What did you discuss with Mr Wilde at -- 

WOODS: I am late for a vote. _[shuts car door]_

**(According to records, MP Woods missed no Parliament votes that day.)**

* * *

### BUZZFEED

##  **10 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About the Lipstick Meme**

_-by BuzzFedMe, Anonymous Editor_

**_14 May 2017_ **

### 1\. The meme is cropped

By now everyone and their grandma knows about the tryst between Encanzo Wilde of the SPP and Sychorax Woods of the AMPATSP.

The memes are everywhere, but the memes do not say it all. The original picture included leader Woods in the background, walking away in the opposite direction. Mr. Wilde did not offer to share his now iconic green umbrella (sold out at houseoffraser.co.uk) with her. What kind of gentleman does that?

Our only answer is that the gentleman just got into a heated fight with the lady in question.

  
  


### 2\. The man in the middle knows what’s up

Sir Caliburn had the dubious honour of occupying the chair between leader Woods’s and mr. Wilde’s at a meeting earlier in the day of April 28. We would like to have a chat with whoever assigned these seats, because this could have ended in physical violence.

For those who do not know, Sir Caliburn is Wilde’s closest confidant -- and unofficially in charge of his social media presence. Mostly that of his two sons. His eldest son whipped up a minor meme storm last year by sending shirtless photos to the wrong number.

Since the lipstick meme went viral, Sir Caliburn has gone completely silent. Whatever happened, he knows all about it.

(On a different note: Now that Caliburn is seemingly MIA, we would like an update on how Looter Wilde’s six pack is coming along.)

  
  


### 3\. It all started at the Concerned Citizens’ Committee Gala

The return of Leader Woods was controversial to say the least, and the presence of her long time enemy Encanzo Wilde, Head Enchanter and a Leader in his own right, even more so. One thing we agree on is that inviting Wilde to a gala in Woods’s honour was a ballsy move. Perhaps the Concerned Citizens’ Committee ships it just as much as we do.

  
  


### 4\. Mr. Wilde had a hand in the organisation of the gala.

Back in March it did not mean anything when the Head Enchanter was photographed six (!) times with the party planner, but now we know better! Mr Wilde, what exactly did you discuss? Are we supposed to believe you met up just to speak about the weather, or was this all an elaborate ploy to get Ms Woods to nail you? 

  
  


### 5\. They are both single (and have been for quite a while)

Encanzo Wilde’s wife, Dr. Miranda Wilde (nee Strode) passed away ten years ago, after battling cancer. (The beloved professor is still missed at the University Of Nottingham. May she rest in peace.)

Sychorax Woods‘s second husband Haven Ironwood, a businessman, died only four months later in a car wreck, and get this: investigation proved his ‘car accident’ had been no accident at all.

In fact, police considered Leader Woods a suspect for two days after his death! Did she decide to get her husband out of the way because of mr. Wilde’s newfound widowerhood? It would place the start of her infatuation at least a decade back. 

  
  


### 6\. Mr Wilde is not the first to thirst after the stunning Ms Woods

A well-placed source has it that our very own Thunderous Thye (Yes, _that_ one!) proposed to her! Ooh la la!

However, her cold refusal hurt his fragile ego and nearly ended his career. The three months following this alleged marriage proposal, he started crying during debates and made fewer public appearances.

Objectively speaking, Thye, in his early thirties with ruddy curls and great thighs, is the hot one. What did Wilde, forty three, bald and a few inches shorter than her, do to catch her eye? 

(Perhaps those lost inches went elsewhere.)

  
  


### 8\. The secret from the North

The Northern Delegate who visited to negotiate post-brexit trade deals got way more than he bargained for. When asked about the recent media sensation, he replied with a dose of sarcasm you must hear for yourself: “I would really just like to get back to business.” 

(Click here for the video of the interview, timestamp 5:34)

After our laughter had passed, we started digging into No-Name’s own history: he has sent love poetry to Barbara the Barbarian, pro-wrestler and daughter of a prominent politician in his own country! (Unfortunately we could not obtain a picture of this moony message.)

Delegate No-Name is no Wilde or Woods, but this question must have hit a little too close to home. 

  
  


### 9\. They might be on first name basis

While Woods makes a valiant effort to remain cool, Wilde misspoke during a recent interview. When asked about the incident, he first called his longtime rival Sychorax, then quickly backtracked to use her official title: 

“The differences between Sychorax -- excuse me, the differences between Leader Woods and myself are well-documented by many outlets, as I'm sure you yourself can attest, Miss Clinger.”

Do they see each other often enough to call each other by their first names? Even if they do, they have to be on much better terms in reality than during their public appearances.

  
  


### 10\. The reverend Tracy Clinger

This leads us to the final thing you missed: Tracy Clinger, the author of the original article and poster of the iconic photo.

As an intrepid fly navigating this web of lies, Ms Clinger is doing her best to get to the bottom of this, and feed us the best news. The poor lady nearly got hit with a car door in pursuit of answers. 

As for her colleagues, her superiors from The Scaly Mail have yet to comment, and the photographer of the memetic picture asked to remain anonymous.

During the interview, Mr Wilde mentioned her by name. Usually politicians don’t bother with the names of tabloid journalists. There is only one reason why he would know who she is. She is certainly onto something and we’ll keep you updated along the way!

  
  


Want to try a hand at it yourself? Take our quiz to see who YOU would hit the tabloids with!

[ Plan a gala and we'll tell you which political opponent you should hook up with in secret ](https://uquiz.com/fxLBFH)


	2. In Distress And Disarray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Smols find out. Xar is horrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally in ch1, but I felt it interrupted the flow of the story, so it goes here. Obligatory chatfic nonsense ensues.

**~ * ~ wish is allowed to misspell in this chat ~ * ~**

**boi of destiny:** so Twitter is being a shitshow

**boi of destiny:** isn't this illegal??? 

**Bodkin Ward:** Tweeting?

**wishgranted:** i don't even know what half of these tweets mean

**wishgranted:** do people REALLY think these things about my mum?

**wishgranted:** i'm not sure it's physically possible to do that with a stiletto

**boi of destiny:** [image]

**boi of destiny:** this is worse

**Bodkin Ward** : ... 

**Bodkin Ward:** oh dear, that IS very upsetting

**Bodkin Ward:** so gross on so many levels

**Bodkin Ward:** I don’t know what they mean either Wish but it’s better not to find out

**Bodkin Ward:** This'll be old news by wednesday, calm down Xar

**boi of destiny:** YOU TRY TO CALM DOWN WHEN THEY INSINUATE... THINGS... ABOUT YOUR DAD'S HEIGHT

**boi of destiny:** twitter is full of liars and fules. dirty dirty fules

**wishgranted:** Xar, can u get the shirt ur dad wore yesterday?

**boi of destiny:** probs already in the wash

**boi of destiny:** ...wish. Why do you want my dad’s shirt.

**wishgranted:** none of these pics get a good look at the smudge

**wishgranted:** i wanna compare it to my mother's lipsticks

**boi of destiny:** um? My dad just said it didn’t happen

**Bodkin Ward:** Of course he said no. He's your dad

**wishgranted:** I mean, they R grown-up. Maybe this means they’ll get along a little better now, stop hating each other quite so much

**Bodkin Ward:** wait, you believe it?

**wishgranted:** i just wanna see if theyre’s proof (sp?)

**boi of destiny:** I'd hate anyone whose collar got messed up enough to start a rumor about Doing That

**boi of destiny:** but dad’s not foolish enough to ... Do Things when he’s supposed to be working

**boi of destiny:** with HER of all people

**boi of destiny:** just… WHY

**Bodkin Ward:** it'll be over by Wednesday, surely there will be other things for people to talk about

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Narrator Voice:** It was not over by Wednesday.


	3. The Art of the Compromise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A blogger notes something peculiar, but doesn't think much of it. 
> 
> He is, however, the only one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted as its own work, I moved it to this main one at Helene's request since this has become sort of a continuous story of its own.

# Shit I Saw At Taco Bell 

## #87: MIDNIGHT SNACK: MURDER??

\-- by Whomst

_6 May 2017_

So long-time readers might’ve picked up on the fact that I’m bad with faces. 

I like to think _my_ descriptors stick in the brain a lot better than “brunette, looks like the white women on the magazine covers’. Who can forget Gucci Girl, or Schnockered Sam?

This has its downsides, however. I should recognize people I don't, and I _think_ I recognize people who end up being perfect strangers.

But a couple nights ago, I’m cleaning off the cashier's counter, right? Unusually full for a late night: got some people sobering up near the soda fountain, one homeless regular scrolling through their phone in the back. But all in all, nothing too remarkable, until material for the blog post walks in.

The lady’s the one that catches my eye first, for a couple reasons.

She’s got a thick black coat on, despite the fact that it’s May, and a brunette wig that looks really out of place on her head. 

In other words, she’s got the kind of disguise you can only pull off in a Taco Bell at 2 AM. 

The bloke she’s got with her isn’t exactly subtle either: his jacket’s made out of dead autumn leaves, all bright and shiny and fluttering in an invisible wind or some shit. Collar's pulled up almost to his nose. (Wizards always draw attention: they can’t help it, pretentious fucks.) So from here on out they are Wig Lady and Jacket Guy, for obvious reasons. 

I take their order (two Diet Pepsi, followed by a brief argument over how unhealthy our entire menu is) and pass it on to Jimmy in the back. (Jimmy doesn’t know I have a blog. Jimmy also can’t read. Jimmy is my favorite coworker.) I don't think they'd be at _my_ store if they had a choice.

So they take a table pretty far from the counter, nestled behind some plants.

Lucky for you lot, I have ears like a nosy bat, so I was able to pick up what I think is the second half of their conversation. I’ve transcribed it as close to verbatim as possible.

[I swear to you all, this really happened.]

> JACKET GUY: I played our… _problem_ … off as an unfortunate mishap. 
> 
> WIG LADY: You gave the rumor more airtime. 
> 
> JACKET GUY: And it looks absurd. As it should. 

[ _At this point I come over with their orders on a tray._

_Wig Lady’s hair has slipped back from her forehead a little. Jacket Guy’s clothing flutters a bit faster, like the invisible wind is agitated._

_The sexual tension simmers quietly between them. Not sure which Wig Lady wants to rip off first: his face, or his clothes._

_But this is a Taco Bell, and these people look like they have standards, thank Christ. So Wig Lady and Jacket Guy focus on the problem at hand instead of making a new one. ._

_Conversation is ??? for the next couple minutes after I return to my post_.]

> WIG LADY: --and our schedules. It won’t do to be seen together at the next meeting. 
> 
> JACKET GUY: Unfortunately, that’s sort of the nature of these meetings. To be seen. 
> 
> WIG LADY: You know what I mean. No new evidence. Make news, but separately. 
> 
> JACKET GUY [briefly chuckles]: You could kill off another husband. 
> 
> WIG LADY [considerably calmer than I’d be after someone accuses me of murder]: Oh, please. 

  
  
  


Wig Lady and Jacket Guy managed to finish their sodas and leave.

Ten minutes after _that_ I finally got myself to breathe, and wonder what the fuck I just witnessed. 

  
  


Hope you lot enjoyed this installment of Shit I See At Taco Bell. (Long delay couldn't be helped, BTW, I just got service back yesterday. Serves me right for living next door to a bunch of assholes with more magic than common sense.)

* * *

  
  


**COMMENTS**

**Dudewtf**

DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK. 

**Mm**

One of the best entries yet! God bless you and your quick note-taking, Whomst. 

**Theorist**

How tf is Jacket Guy so chill about Wig Lady killing her husbands? Does he know he might be next?

**Thomas John**

I get that lack of context is supposed to make this blog funny, but I was too busy asking questions to actually laugh at this one. Try harder. 

**liiiiiiiiiiiiid**

Wow, you really haven’t been on the Internet at ALL lately, have you?

* * *

**Violet Sketches > Willafred West **

**Violet Sketches:** SO REMEMBER THAT BLOG I REC’ED YOU

 **Violet Sketches:** WELL


	4. Solve One Problem With Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fall-out, plus some things you missed from the last couple of chapters.

eff off buzzcreeps  
@boiofdestiny

FOLLOWERS BEWARE: people tweeting about That Meme get blocked.

❤ 7 7:15 AM - May 13, 2017

2 people are talking about this

* * *

**BLUE SEA STANDARD, 14/5/17**

## CCC Regains Control of Chaotic Membership

The CCC’s weekly meetings have gone mostly under-the-radar after the infamous April 29 photo that went viral on Twitter. 

Woods and Wilde -- the subjects of the photograph that sparked a million memes, inadvertently overshadowing the Committee’s work -- seem to be staying out of verbal sparring with each other, instead choosing to engage with other members in fierce debate.

“Leader Woods brought up some very significant issues,” Sir Thundrous Thye said in an interview with another paper. “Her criticism of my plan to provide a passport to every Being of Unusual Size in Britain was a gift of intelligence and insight; I only wished then that the Head Enchanter had not needlessly driven the topic to distraction.” (Thye went on at some length about Leader Woods’ virtues as a politician, with some sniffling; the interview can be viewed here.)

“Sir Thye’s much-lauded family history mostly consists of his forefathers murdering Giants across Britain for sport,” Mr Wilde’s spokesman responded. “Corporate consultants designed his proposal to make common transportation as difficult as possible for Magical inhabitants.”

Allies of the CCC privately expressed dismay about how overshadowed their agenda has become by media spectacle.

“I just don’t know why our letters are being ignored,” said one high-ranking Member. “We worked hard on those.

“A multinational, multiparty effort to collaborate our individual and combined power to leverage the best deal for Britain and the EU as a whole… doesn’t that seem more newsworthy?” 

Perdita Schuyler, a CCC donor of ambiguous wealth who runs a school for Magical children, stated in response to requests for comment: “Stability and security are what Britain’s children need right now. I certainly encourage the CCC to keep doing what they’ve been doing.”

* * *

Drama Woods  
@DramaWoods

Can our neighbors across the pond PLEASE stop inserting themselves into our politics?

❤ 56 11:00 AM - May 16, 2017

23 people are talking about this

Monkeys Are Better At Drawing Than Me  
@sketches_you_vi

@DramaWoods

when ur politicians stop inserting themselves into each other, then sure

❤ 11K 11:17 AM - May 16, 2017

87 people are talking about this

Drama Woods  
@DramaWoods

@sketches_you_vi

This is defamation.

❤ 23 11:25 AM - May 16, 2017

50 people are talking about this

Just Here For the Memes  
@willafred_west

A new break in the Case of the Chronically Horny Politicians !! (THREAD)

❤ 10K 4:04 AM - May 25, 2017

555 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(1) Next couple tweets are going to sum what happened for context. Check back in at ~number 15~ for theories.

❤ 555 4:04 AM - May 25, 2017

5 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(16) Who is Wig Lady? Who is Jacket Guy?

❤ 5K 5:15 AM - May 25, 2017

20 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(17) I emailed Whomst for more deets. Didn't have more than "tall white woman" and "less tall brown-skinned Wizard, probably bald?" however.

❤ 3K 5:17 AM - May 25, 2017

34 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(19) Both trying hard not to be recognized. Implies some rando COULD recognize them

❤ 136 5:20 AM - May 25, 2017

43 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(20) JG & WL can't agree how to keep attention off themselves b/c of OCCURRENCE at MEETING.

❤ 300 5:23 AM - May 25, 2017

74 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(21) Joke about WL killing husbands? Matches up w/ 2007 death investigation of Woods' 2nd husband (spoiler: she didn't do it)

❤ 500 5:25 AM - May 25, 2017

74 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(22) Blog alleges this happened early in the morning May 3. Look at the timeline.

❤ 475 5:28 AM - May 25, 2017

89 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(23) May 11: Woods meets w/ No-Name. Wilde w/ SPP members. Plan in motion? Distraction attempted?

❤ 399 5:31 AM - May 25, 2017

91 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(24) Circumstantial, but stacked up against all the OTHER shit? might as well be a confession, IMO. (you'll feel better, I promise!)

❤ 1K 5:34 AM - May 25, 2017

100 people are talking about this

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

replying to @willafred_west

(25/END) TL;DR: once i talk whomst into telling me what taco bell he works at, this case will be solved

❤ 344 5:37 AM - May 25, 2017

370 people are talking about this

Unforgiving Woods  
@UWoods

Why are you all so obsessed with whom my mother does (NOT) have sex with?

❤ 734 12:45 PM - May 25, 2017

19 people are talking about this

* * *

**~ * ~ wish can misspell in this chat ~ * ~**

**boi of destiny:** YOU SAID IT WOULD BE OVER SOON BODKIN AND YOU WERE WRONG

**Bodkin Ward:** Well, that was before I knew it might be real

**boi of destiny:** It. Is. Not. Real.

**boi of destiny:** No one can even prove they were at Taco Bell (which by the way we don’t know the location of)! Father was in his room that night!

 **boi of destiny:** You would have to be ASTONISHINGLY stupid to… do That at work, with The Enemy (sorry wish), and Father’s not stupid. 

**boi of destiny:** Sure, they have HISTORY, but that just makes it make LESS sense. 

**Bodkin Ward:** I don’t understand it either, Xar

 **Bodkin Ward:** we don’t know the whole story

**wishgranted:** Xar he’s not saying all the memes are right 

**Bodkin Ward:** (thank you Wish) I’m saying *something* MAY POSSIBLY have happened that they didn’t tell you

 **Bodkin Ward:** Because you are thirteen-years-old

_boi of destiny removed Bodkin Ward from this group chat._

**wishgranted:** Xar!! 

**boi of destiny:** he’s not coming back till he apologizes for slandering

_wishgranted added Bodkin Ward to this group chat._

**wishgranted:** this isn’t exactly what I wanna hear about either

 **wishgranted:** I didn’t ever wanna know what Mother MIGHT be... up too… when no one’s looking

 **wishgranted:** I mean I’m happy for her, of course

 **wishgranted:** but a candlelite dinner would be a WAY better way to go about it

**wishgranted:** either way i’d rather ppl talk about something else instead

  
**:boi of destiny:** You and me both

 **boi of destiny:** how do we make this stop???

**wishgranted:** I’m not so sure we can, Xar

**boi of destiny:** i have a couple ideas

**wishgranted:** I smell burnt hair. Mother’s disguise???

 **wishgranted:** ...

 **wishgranted:** nvm that’s Tenacity’s curlur again

**boi of destiny:** step one, frame Theresa May for shoplifting

**Bodkin Ward:** i feel as if there are 2 separate conversations going on here and i’m afraid i don’t understand either one

  
  


* * *

## Shit I Saw At Taco Bell

#### BLOG UPDATE

_\-- by Whomst_

Couple things have come up in the last week, so here’s my say:

I’m flattered that you lot think I’m worth an interview, but that’s going to be a big no from me. And NO, I’m not telling you which Taco Bell I work at, are you CRAZY? The amount of shit I talk on this blog, I’d get fired on the spot. 

Honestly Willafred’s tried explaining it to me over and over. I’m _still_ not sure I believe half this shit Twitter keeps trying to tell me. Thanks for all the new followers and clicks, tho, helps keep this blog going. 

  
  


**COMMENTS**

**Theorist**

This is why we love you, Whomst.

**Vi**

But don’t you want to know what you saw?

**Whomst**

_@Vi_ Eh.

* * *

Tracy Clinger ✔  
@TracyClingerTSM

DM me! | RT: @willafred_west "A new break in the Case of the Chronically Horny Politicians !! (THREAD)"

❤ 5K 6:00 PM - May 27, 2017

54 people are talking about this

* * *

_[the following has been transcribed from a video posted to Tracy Clinger’s official Twitter account.]_

_CLINGER: Ma’am! Ma’am! Scaly Mail. Do you own a brunette wig?_

WOODS: No. My focus is on my daughters and my constituents, not playing dress-up. This is all a _very_ unfortunate coincidence.

* * *

**wishgranted > Bodkin Ward**

**wishgranted:** come test lipsticks w/ me at the mall? half day of school Monday

* * *

**boi of destiny > Bodkin Ward**

**boi of destiny:** tuesday is for planting evidence

 **boi of destiny:** bring ur helmet


	5. Doors That Were Previously Closed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Implications are had. Wish makes a discovery. Xar reaches his breaking point.

#####  **BLUE SEA STANDARD, 26/5/2017**

## ‘Wine Doesn't Smudge'

As closer looks pry at the holes in the generally-accepted story, an unexpected excuse has emerged. ****

At first attempting to play it off as an amusing but highly untrue question, the Head Enchanter’s camp has gone for a new tactic: blaming the wine. ****

Delegate No-Name, a fellow CCC member who has been known to associate with both Wilde and Woods, refused to speak ill of the servers, although he did say: “wine was definitely served, and mistakes were certainly made.”

(full story on page 7)

* * *

**Willafred > Whomst**

**Willafred:** you know what i want

**Whomst:** No

**Whomst:** idc who fucked whom b/c I’M fucked if they find my blog

**Willafred:** dude, i won’t tell a soul it was you

**Willafred:** i believe in True Love

**Whomst:** you have a weird definition of True Love

**Willafred** : i’d pay you

**Whomst:** i’m not above a bribe

**Whomst:** but

**Whomst:** i’m below the pay-grade that can afford a lawsuit if ur right

**Whomst:** that Woods woman could have my head on a string 

**Whomst:** and the Wizard bloke could turn the rest of me into bird feed!

**Whomst:** who’d look out for Jimmy then??

* * *

**_~ * ~ wish can misspell in this chat ~ * ~_ **

**boi of destiny:** where ARE you guys??

**wishgranted:** uh

**wishgranted:** at the mall?

**wishgranted:** [image]

**boi of destiny:** you’re shopping? 

**boi of destiny:** At a time like this?

**boi of destiny:** we have a Thing this week!

**wishgranted:** we’re investigating

**wishgranted:** i dont think that wine would stain a coller that way

**Bodkin Ward:** and now we are at the mall to test lipsticks on this shirt Wish bought

**boi of destiny:** and what happens when you find out?

**wishgranted:** we know just what 2 distract everybody from

**boi of destiny:** my plans 4 a distraction are already in motion

**boi of destiny:** wish…

**boi of destiny:** u r a GENIUS

**wishgranted:** : )

* * *

LATER THAT DAY

**Mother > Wish Woods**

**Mother:** Wish, come see me in my study.

**Mother:** Immediately.

  
  


* * *

##  **_SCALY MAIL_ **

## TACO BELL TELL-ALL

**-Tracy Clinger, 5/29/2017**

The Prime Minister just _may_ be regretting her decision not to call a snap election after all. With Parliament just about to be out of session for the summer, the legislative springtime of our discontent ends with a bang.

First reported by an anonymous blogger working at an English Taco Bell, I have spent the past two days following up to confirm the lead for the Scaly Mail’s readers.

“I didn’t see anything,” said the source who provided the CCTV. “But the cameras sure did.” 

The outdoor CCTV from the night of May 3 shows the couple alleged to be Ms Woods and Mr Wilde -- a woman in a dark coat and a man in an autumn-leaf jacket-- , emerge from the bushes at the edge of the parking lot, considerably disheveled. No car in sight, nothing to identify them. Odd, is it not?

The indoor camera’s video shows the two persons of interest order and then seat themselves together. (The restaurant’s security cameras do not record audio, so we could not confirm the blog's report verbatim.)

The man is not carrying a spelling staff (as Magically powerful items like that are banned inside places of business) but of course, a Wizard as powerful as Encanzo Wilde would hardly _need_ a spelling staff, especially not for a midnight meeting with one’s _(alleged) l_ over.

An intimate liaison no longer seems as absurd as it did just a few short weeks ago.

But for them to do so… well, such an occurrence comes with _risks,_ to say the least.. For obvious reasons, they did not want news to get around. (Last year’s passionate battle over the Office of Magical Regulation comes to mind.) A blot-- a smudge, if you will-- on both their records. 

Memes go in and out of the internet’s consciousness without much consequence, but political unrest seizes upon whatever it can catch. Donors close purses if they wish. Constituents complain. Hence, the midnight meeting. 

Could this all have been a matter of mutually beneficial diplomacy? A method for the Concerned Citizens’ Committee to negotiate its backdoor deals and quicken the long, slow grind of the legislative process?

(A side-note: as traditional diplomatic dealmaking does drag on under the weight of bureaucracy, we do request that the CCC employ its most persuasive tactics to get _something_ done.)

* * *

**VOX**

####  **Controversy behind “the Lipstick Meme”, explained**

At first dismissed as an absurd rumor, new evidence forces us to reexamine the happenings of April 29, as well as the history of those involved..

How could a photograph distributed by an infamously unreliable tabloid-- which then became memed to infinity by Twitter users-- have caused a halfway credible news story? Which factor, if any, is responsible: Americans’ disinterest in Hillary Rodham Clinton’s so-far effective but unexciting presidency? British exasperation with the dragging, lagging deal process after May decided against risking her thin majority with a snap election? Twitter’s thirst for new memes?

(click for full story)

* * *

Monkeys are better at drawing than me  
@sketches_you_violet

@EncanzoWilde  
wear The Jacket to work. you know you want to

❤ 10K 11:00 PM - May 25, 2017

169 people are talking about this

Magic users y'all are CANCELED  
@swordbeatssorcery

replying to @sketches_you_violet

You guys will fall for anything if it validates your freaky Wizard fantasies.

❤ 55 11:05 PM - May 28, 2017

30 people are talking about this

Monkeys are better at drawing than me  
@sketches_you_violet

replying to @swordbeatssorcery

1st, i'm big gay, so jot that down. 2nd, a lot of problems could be solved if we all just agreed to live our horny truth

❤ 1K 11:10 PM - May 28, 2017

300 people are talking about this

Magic users y'all are CANCELED  
@swordbeatssorcery

replying to @sketches_you_violet

Amusingly simplistic, politically illiterate take. "Horny truths" don't exist.

❤ 120 11:12 PM - May 28, 2017

300 people are talking about this

  
  


* * *

**_~ * ~ wish can misspell in this chat ~ * ~_ **

**wishgranted:** Mother Is Not Happy

**Bodkin Ward:** Oh no.

**wishgranted:** i’ve nevur seen her that colour in my wholl life

**Bodkin Ward:** OH NO

**boi of destiny:** wait what’s happening???

**wishgranted:** she lectored (sp?) me about the roll of truth in Politicks...

**Bodkin Ward:** that’s rather ambiguous, isn’t it?

**wishgranted:** ...also what to do when i have MY first scandal...

**wishgranted:** \+ a lot of other things

**wishgranted:** my stepsisters r also upset?

**wishgranted:** ‘sex is only sex, Wish. it means only as much as one decides it does’

**wishgranted:** ‘social media thinks it means torrid scandil, forbidden Love, + apaling Fulishness at work aparently’

**wishgranted:** ‘it is a physickal activity for adults who know what their doing’

**wishgranted:** you really shuld’ve seen her face

**wishgranted:** this whole insident was very very ODD

**wishgranted:** i am not shure she’s telling the wholl truth

**wishgranted:** did not beleive her when she said nothing hapened 

**boi of destiny:** first of all

**boi of destiny:** we can’t trust what ur mother says either way

**boi of destiny:** wish i see u typing

**boi of destiny:** we both KNOW she’s TRICKY

**Bodkin Ward:** so when she says something didn’t happen…?

**boi of destiny:** i have to go now actually

**boi of destiny:** i’m going to delete the whole internet

**Bodkin Ward:** you can’t delete the WHOLE internet, it’s on servers and things

**wishgranted:** … Xar? Wheir are u going?

* * *

**Encanzo > Caliburn**

**Encanzo:** I found some of Xar’s companions hiding in my briefcase.

**Encanzo:** Expect a swarm of sprites returning presently. 

* * *

**Caliburn > boi of destiny**

**Caliburn:** Xar.

**boi of destiny:** i’m doing something with my followers today

**boi of destiny:** have you seen Bumbleboozle or Timeloss or Squeezjoos recently? 

**Caliburn:** Your plans don’t happen to involve spying on your father at work, do they?

**boi of destiny:** uh 

**boi of destiny:** NO

**Caliburn:** Where are you?

**boi of destiny:** In the yard. 

**boi of destiny:** At home. 

**boi of destiny:** Out of trouble.

* * *

######  **_BREAKING NEWS_ **

#  **BBC**

####  **Unprecedented Power Outage May Not Be An Accident, Witnesses Say**

28 May 2017, 5:01 PM

A neighborhood called the Encampment in the West Wildwoods has been struck by a massive power outage. Power companies are currently investigating the cause of this outage.

The Magical community has struggled in keeping up with a society that increasingly relies on technology: the Encampment keeps only the barest of telephone and internet connections in their own communities-- although neighbours say it is more than enough, thank you very much.

Eyewitness statements report seeing a boy between twelve and fifteen years old run through the neighbourhood just minutes before the blackout occurred. 

“It was probably Xar who caused it,” said a neighbour (Leafsong, 16) referring to the younger son of Head Enchanter Encanzo Wilde, who lives in the neighbourhood with his two sons. “He’s always getting into trouble.” 

_(This is a breaking story. Check back for updates.)_


	6. Stay In The Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We come to an ending, of sorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so this is my longest fic on the ao3 so far. I know it doesn't look that long, but putting all six of these chapters together was a big deal for me and I couldn't have done it without my readers' and mutuals' support. So thank you all: whether you kudos-ed or reblogged or commented, you helped immensely.
> 
> I've also got to give THE BIGGEST thank-you to [HeleneInTheClouds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeleneInTheClouds/pseuds/HeleneInTheClouds), without whom this fic would not exist. Check her out at @yv-sketches over on Tumblr: she's just released a project to celebrate TWoO Book 4 having come out, featuring art, printables, and a newspaper article! (Gasp!) [Never And Forever Surprise Project](https://yv-sketches.tumblr.com/post/630088063048089600/the-never-and-forever-surprise-project-i)

_Pictured: Encanzo Wilde, arriving home in a hurry. Does not take questions from the local press._

* * *

Monkeys are better at drawing than me  
@sketches_you_violet

can't endorse the method but respect the attitude. kid truly gives no fucks

❤ 1K 5:00 PM - June 2, 2017

23 people are talking about this

##  **_THE SCALY MAIL_ **

###  _SYCHORAX: ‘I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WIZARD’_

“Any allegation otherwise is a blatantly ridiculous lie,” said Leader Woods in a new statement. 

Woods’ past responses include: slamming car doors in reporters’ faces; wearing a series of significantly paler shades of lipstick (comparison photographs on page 3).

The bombshells published in the Scaly Mail and associate papers must have the Member for Iron-Fort seriously scared. 

* * *

**Caliburn > wishgranted**

**Caliburn:** Hello Wish!

**wishgranted:** Hi caliburn!

 **wishgranted:** Bodkin and I have been worried about Xar

 **wishgranted:** is his father very angry with him? is the power back on for good?

**Caliburn:** This is Xar 

**Caliburn:** I stole Caliburn’s phone 

**Caliburn:** not supposed to have mine till summer’s over, power or no power

 **Caliburn:** tell bodkin sorry his helmet was a bit melted

 **Caliburn:** it’s a LONG story

 **Caliburn:** oh shit they’re coming back

* * *

_(“I was trying to help! It would have worked, too, if the helmet hadn’t gotten dropped--”_

_“Xar, how on EARTH do you think this would have helped?”_

_‘Well, first of all, everyone would be talking about Theresa May shoplifting instead of--”_

_“Wait, WHAT?” Caliburn squawked._

_“Well, that part didn’t go over so well.”_

_“I should think not,” said Encanzo._

_“Xar, you CANNOT FRAME people!”)_

* * *

**BLUE SEA STANDARD**

##  **COMMITTEE CONFLICT IN CLANDESTINE CONVERSATIONS**

_How one (allegedly) contentious exchange illustrates the CCC’s (lack of) progress_

Last week Sychorax Woods went so far as to miss a CCC meeting-- instead choosing to attend an event hosted by Emprar Industries, an industrial empire that has a share in Iron-Fort, the district that Ms Woods represents. 

Her alleged “paramour” spared no time blasting her for the decision when asked: “Currently she has decided it is in her best interest to appear as if she’s interested in accomplishing more than destruction.”

(story continued on page 4)

* * *

Just Here for the Memes  
@willafred_west

oh no, we didn't break them up, did we?

❤ 400 8:00 AM - June 3, 2017

26 people are talking about this

* * *

EPILOGUE

THREE MONTHS LATER

From: [ editors@scalymail.co.uk ](mailto:editors@scalymail.co.uk)

To: [ tracyclinger@scalymail.co.uk ](mailto:tracyclinger@scalymail.co.uk)

Subject: 17/9/17 Printing

Tracy.

We thought it best to inform you that the interns thought they’d forward this to the presses for a laugh, but our staff caught it in time. Please revise posthaste.

Sincerely, 

The Editors

_Attached: >>>> _

> **17 SEPTEMBER 2017**
> 
> **_SCALY MAIL_ **
> 
> ####  **DROODS DIVULGE DIRTY DETAILS**
> 
> You laughed! You jeered! You clung to your outdated political norms! BUT I WAS RIGHT. MY SALARY WAS FUCKING DOUBLED. **EAT IT, SUCKERS.**
> 
> _“They did it, and not just once.”_


End file.
